May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In Trump Tower Damascus the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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